1) Vacuum Cleaner or Any Cleaning Product
Here’s a pro-tip: Your wife doesn’t care your mum loved her Roomba, She wants something thoughtful and pretty. So unless she's been hinting to you for months that the new Dyson is on the top of her wish list please do not purchase anything that says: "This house is a mess and your attempts at homemaking are subpar, HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"
2) Cooking Lessons
Do you think you're being 'helpful' by hinting that her skills in the kitchen are lacking? You're not. How about actually cooking putting the apron on yourself and cooking her a nice meal? You might be able to impact some helpful hints…
4) Exercise Equipment
Ok, let's just get all of these out of the way. Exercise equipment is a big no-no. Even exercise clothing and accessories are dangerous territory (unless your lady ALREADY maintains an exercise routine). Remember, this is the woman that allows you access to her naked body. If you want her to keep being naked don't tell her she's fat. You may not mean it that way, but that’s always the way she will take it.
5) Auto Accessories
If the car needs new wiper blades or a tyre rotation do not attempt to disguise this routine maintenance as a thoughtful goodie. Unless you’re turning up at the door with an actual car wrapped in a bow, you’re probably best leaving auto-themed gifts out of the equation.
Cash is useful, cash is flexible, cash allows her to get something she really wants rather than the kitchen appliance, exercise equipment or cooking lesson you were probably going to get. It all makes perfect sense in your head. However, you’re probably better off converting that cash to some sort of gift card to at least give the impression you put some thought into it. Please don’t slip an old fiver into a card, like it’s a present for a distant nephew’s Christening.
7) Sex Toys
Unless you and your partner have categorically discussed a specific bedroom apparatus, these are not the kinds of gifts to spring (shackle or strap) on your special lady. The same goes for themed lingerie. Especially if it's a "sexy" version of the occupation your lady holds. She doesn't want to come home from teaching snot-nosed little brats to play out your Britney Spears fantasy.
8) Anti-Aging Treatments
This says "I love you jut the way you...were." You know nothing about makeup and the lady at the counter is just trying to sell you crap. Crap that your wife will not use or appreciate. The same goes for any kind of waxing treatment. Lip, bikini, armpits…Just don’t do it, unless you want to wake up sans an eyebrow.
9) Sports Tickets
“Hey, Honey! I got you a romantic weekend away at the darts in Bolton for your birthday, and all the lads are going to be there!” may go over well with a small subsection of the female population (namely, the ones who can down a pint while holding the glass between their breasts), but it may not be a suitable birthday treat for the wife who would prefer a cabin in the lakes. You never know, she might even let you watch the darts on the telly.
10) Homemade Coupon Books
This one entitles her to a foot massage, this one entitles her to a night off doing the washing up, and this one entitles her to exchange for her favourite intimate act. Dude, the last thing you want to do is make her aware of all the stuff you should be doing on a regular basis, but aren’t. Doing your own laundry isn’t a gift.