Two Dog Owners
Two dog owners were bragging about the intelligence of their pets.
"The brightest dog I ever had," said one, "was a Great Dane that used to play cards. He was a whiz at poker, but finally a friend complained about him and I had him put to sleep."
"You had him put to sleep, a bright dog like that? A dog like that would be worth a million dollars."
"Had to", he replied, "Caught him using marked cards!"
Top Ten Signs You Spoil Your Dog:
1. You think begging for table scraps is beneath him, so you let your
dog eat at the table with you.
2. You take him to the supermarket and let him pick out his own dog food.
3. Your husband comes home from work, looks at the stew on the stove and asks: "Is this people food or dog food?"
4. You bought matching His & Hers place mats for your dog and yourself.
5. At dinner parties you always have to double-check the butter for
visible lick marks, before putting it on the table.
6. Your dog gets to vote on where to spend the next family holiday.
7. You don't care if you or your spouse are comfortable at night, as
long as Fido has enough room on the bed.
8. You complain about the rising costs of groceries, but you don't think twice about spending a fortune on doggie treats.
9. Your dog always gets the best spot on the couch and sometimes he even gets to hold the remote.
10. He has his own e-mail address.
Another Dog Joke
The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realised
that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up
the whole world.
One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with
one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting
dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to
dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.
The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with
a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that
this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.
When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's
cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We
had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund.
More Dog Humor
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while. "I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."
Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."
Is That Your Rottweiler?
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own
that rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly.
"How could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!
Dog Humor at The Movies
I went to the cinema the other day and in the front row was an
old man and with him was his dog. It was a sad funny kind of film, you know the type. In the sad part, the dog cried his eyes out, and in the funny part, the dog laughed its head off. This happened all the way through the film. After the film had ended, I decided to go and speak to the man.
"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," I said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."
The man turned to me and said, "Yeah, it is. He hated the book."
That's One Dumb Dog
A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins.
"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten pound bill in the basket. The scribble on the note asks for three kilograms of his best mince. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.
The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 kilograms, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?" Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half kilogram. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.
"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key!"
If you love dogs and enjoyed these corny jokes please show your support by pressing the YES button below. Thanking You. New Zealand Dog Foods.