Here are some unusual and amusing uses and abuses of the English language. I came across these as I trawled through ebay listings looking for 78rpm records and a few other items. Some sellers have a good command of the language but are not so familiar with the type of music they are selling. Anyway, hope you enjoy these as much as I did. For those who don't happen to know the records, my comments follow each item in italics.
New additions now from the top-
A. An orchard for the lady by Johnnie Ray. I thought she was an orchid customer myself.
1. Instructions on the label say record should be played with fibre or trailer needles. Ordinary steel needles will gratefully reduce its life. With this recommendation, I decided not to bid for the record.
2. The Little Lapdancer by Max Bygraves. Actual title: The Little Laplander.
3. A weekly thirty-two page magazine covering the boar war. Must have been a pig of a war?
4. Played by Richard Tauber on Tenor with orchestra. Tauber is the tenor.
5. Offered: Bitchumen paint. From: Nicola D..... This one was actually from my local freecycle group. Phonetical if nothing else.
6. A selection of old 78rpm records including Louise Armstrong. Satchmo had a twin sister apparently?
7. A wind up grammer phone. Now that's something a lot of ebay sellers could really use.
8. Martin Luther. Children's 78, The Little Red Hen, 1948, Ex+. Wow, few people realise that the founder of the reformation was recording children's records hundreds of years after nailing his theses to that church door in Germany. Hang on, maybe this seller means Frank Luther?
9. But saying that this 78rpm is very very ledgeable (hearable). I don't know where to begin. Something went wrong back at primary school and has never quite been put right.
10. This voice recorded record is very very nostalgic to listern to. Does it remind you of the good old days when people could spell?
11. These records belonged to my father who sadly pasted away. I am sorry to hear that he came to a sticky end.
12. HMV antique potable gramophone. So good it's good enough to drink?
13. There may be some rarities, but I am not a connisour. Sweet!
If you found any of this amusing, please do vote for this guide as being helpful. I have a very silly wish to be a top 1,000 reviewer. Yes, I am that sad.