How To Zombie-Proof Your House In 12 Easy Steps

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If we've learned anything from 'The Walking Dead', 'Zombieland' and all those George Romero movies, it's that when the zombie apocalypse inevitably kicks off, it'll unfold at a startling pace – and if you're not adequately prepped, you are going DOWN. 

So unless you want to spend the remainder of your days shuffling the streets in search of "brraaaaiins", you'd be advised to trick out your house so that it can become an undead-proof fortress at a moment's notice. Here's how... 

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1. Coffee Machine

During the first 72 hours of the zombie apocalypse – before things 'stabilise' and you settle into a survivalist groove – you're advised to stay constantly vigilant and constantly awake.

You may be red-eyed, shaky-handed and struggling to stay conscious, but consider the alternative: Your face gets eaten. That you what you want? Thought not. So let's have another flat white, shall we? 

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2. Blow-Up Bed

By day five of the zomb-pocalypse you'll have smashed up your bed for firewood and door-barricading material, and a blow-up bed will be a godsend.

Your sleeps will be fitful and nightmare-haunted, but do your best to block out all the chilling moans and tormented screams from the streets outside. Night night!

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3. Binoculars

To keep your compound/house fully secure you'll need to regularly scan the horizon/end-of-the-road for zombie hordes and lawless mobs of survivors. Clamber onto the roof, whip out your binoculars and furrow your brow like your life depends on it.   

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4. Bulk Supply Of Toilet Paper

The planet's most valuable commodity by week six. 

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5. Solar And Wind-Turbine Hybrid Generator

Your local power station will be swiftly overrun by hordes of rotting walkers, so you'll need to harvest your own electricity using apocalypse-proof means. A hybrid solar/wind generator will keep those precious volts flowing whatever the weather. Nerr-nerr nuh nerr-nuh, zombies. 

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6. Water Purification System

Your water supply will go south as rapidly as your electricity supply, and you'll be forced to collect H20 wherever you can find it – buckets, puddles, litter-filled streams...

It goes without saying that post-apocalyptic water will need thoroughly purifying. In fact, we'd maybe run it through a couple of times – you don't want to be dipping Rich Tea biccies into a zombie-infected cuppa.  

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7. Spray Paint

With all lines of communication down, there'll be no way of knowing when – or even if – help is coming. To ensure the authorities are aware of your survivor status, get on the roof and spray-paint a message that choppers or fighter jets passing overhead can see.

Keep it short 'n' snappy: think "SOS" rather "Would you mind awfully giving us a hand as we're trapped inside this house and conditions are becoming quite unbearable, thank you and God bless xxx."

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8. Shovel

For digging latrines – and graves – in your garden. Also handy for whacking zombies' heads clean off their shoulders. 

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9. Zombie Mask

Whenever you need to venture 'off-site' to scavenge for supplies, you'll want to blend in with the flesh-hungry crowd. Rub rotting meat all over yourself to mask your delicious aroma, slip one of these over your head – and don't forget to moan and shuffle, moan and shuffle. When in Rome and all that...

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10. Mini Greenhouse

Within days, gangs of scavengers will empty out everywhere from the corner shop to the giant Asda on the ring road, so you'll need to grow your own crops if you're to survive once all your tinned food is gone. Yes, you're going to be eating a lot of samey salads, but that's better than the alternative: Eating brrraaaaaiins. 

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11. Walkie Talkies

You don't want to be communicating with your fellow compound-dwellers by yelling up and down stairs – that's how you attract unwanted attention from passing zombies and scavenger gangs. Keep your comms on the down-low with walkie talkies. Roger, over?

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12. Chess-And-Draughts Set

Once the harrowing news reports go off-air there won't be a great deal on telly, and you'll need a distracting way to pass the hours between battling swarms of the undead. And just think! By the time the apocalypse is finally over, you'll be a veritable chess grand-master/draughts super-ninja. Every cloud, etcetera.   

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More Ways To Survive the Zombie Apocalypse

Pull together your own zombie survival kit, zombie-proof your car in 12 easy steps, get your household the most effective zombie disguises, and discover how to give yourself a disgustingly realistic zombie makeover.
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