2003 BMW Z4 3.0I Gunmetal NOT including hardtop

REDUCED FOR QUICK SALE - MUST GO THIS WEEKEND OR ITS OFF TO BE PX'D

*** listing no longer includes hardtop......price revised.......free Otter now available who lives in the boot***

THE LONG DARK TEATIME OF THE SOUL AND TRYING LIST ON EBAY

After only 5 GRINDING HOURS of trying I have finally managed to get this hateful website to work (iPad Making life easier my hairy kahunas) and list this simply amazing car.

I say amazing but its amazing perhaps in the same way that its amazing how utterly unhelpful self service tills are in Asda. I mean they look pretty and you feel like you should be amazed by the technology but you always feel like you could have got there quicker and in more comfort if you'd just gone to the normal till and let the whispy bearded old woman sort it instead.

I feel it's only fair to relay some of my musings about the Z4 before you commit to buy.....let it never be said that I'm anything less than honest.

THE REVIEW

The ride quality of the BMW Z4 can literally vibrate a stool through you entire digestive tract in a 5 minute journey to the shops.

When asked to describe it to a friend I recommended that he took himself into the garden and asked a friend or neighbor to jump violently up and down on his back to simulate the general spleen rupturing nature of the RE050 runflat tyres..........ahh runflats - there will be a time when owning this car that you'll think 'hmmm should I get some new tyres or wipe out the national debt of Greece?'.

 I suppose the plus side of the tyres is that they stick to the road like a really determined sticky Otter - luckily on my car the tyres are all in good nick so they wont need replacing in the near future......which probably means not in the lifetime of your ownership as your spine will be shattered after 5000 miles and you won't be able to drive any more.

Which neatly brings us onto tram-lining - if you don't recognize this term then you should familiorise yourself with it. Basically what this means is your car will react to every lump, bump and rut in the road by violently dragging you off in that direction. Think about being on the Nemesis at Alton Towers - you desperately don't want to smash to your death but no amount of wrestling will alter the path your taking yet somehow you manage to survive each journey......possibly a little more stained than when your started but there none the less.

The interior - immediately if you have not already seen it you need to watch the film Equilibrium. For those that haven't seen it the basic premise is that emotion and anything that could stir an emotion (art, books, colour, music) have been eradicated from the world in an endeavor to repress the destructive nature of the human race and has effectively ended all war and violence. One can't help but feel that the script writer for the film must have pottered around in a Z4 whilst compiling his notes.

Its just typically Germanic.........Grey, Gunmetal, Grey, Silver, Grey, Black, Grey, Aluminium (Grey), Black......ooh, ooh was that a bit of Blue on the badge!! Nope lost it.......Grey, Grey, Black, Grey. Its a wonder really that they allowed it to be a drop head so you can drop the lid (in a mighty impressive 10 seconds) and let the colors of beautiful English summer time in (Grey, Grey, Black, Grey, cloud, chav, grey, pram, grey, pastie).

The Sat Nav - yes its there, yes you could ask it to direct you somewhere. Is that the most effective way of getting there? Sadly No. A more effective way might be to employ the tactic of ringing random friends at each junction and screaming 'left or right!!! left or right!!!' down the phone at them until they answer. Fuel consumption is very good actually - upper 20's combined - mid 30's plodding on the motorway.

The engine.....come on now!!! Eh? 3 liters and 6 cylinders of thumping German horses eh? Well yes to a manner of speaking.........it'll move like a rat from a trap at times but generally you get the feeling that the engine had a lot more to give than has been actually engineered out of it. I'm more of a thundering torque kind of guy rather than someone who likes revtastic engines. The noise.......definitely a BMW thing.....if you like that sort of tramp sexually interfering with a cat down a well rasp you'll probably be alright with it. Personally you can't beat the sound of V6 (In fact just buy yourself a 350z.....now that's a proper car!).

Xenon headlights - for those that don't know these are extremely bright headlights that are basically designed to sear the retina of any oncoming road users, instantly blinding them at which point they career off up an embankment.

The sport button. I can assume this conversation took place in the BMW development room :

"hmmmm veee have developed an automobile vith excellent performance, handelling and feedback. Zis may prompt zee driver to drive zee car in a rambunctious fashion."

"don't vorry mine colleague veeee can build a button that you have to press to get zis performance. In the mean time ve vill detune zee engine to make it both boring and sensible to avoid evoking any of zee emotion"

THE CAR

As regards my actual car......it's a very good example of a BMW Z4......just depends on whether you think that is a good or bad thing. If by this point you remain convinced that this is the car for you then I suppose you best read this:

- 69000 miles

- full service history with just under 10000 miles until next service.

- Bridgestone re050 run flat tyres with good tread all round.

- brakes have plenty of life left in them

- oil filter housing replaced this year (the one weak spot of the engine).

- 6 cd changer, electric windows, electric heating auto dimming folding mirrors (possibly the most over engineered wing mirror known to man), electric roof in excellent condiction, power steering, sport button, air conditioning, sat nav, on board computer, full leather interior, electric memory seats, auto dimming rear mirror, remote central locking - hard top included. Invoice in the paper work shows this retailed at over 1600 quid!! What a plank the first owner was paying that! - all mots and paperwork are present as well as a fully stamped service book.

- 2 keys

- body work in good condition

- even due to my intense dislike of it she has been grudgingly looked after with Meguairs polishes and dodo juice carnauba waxes