How to fend off unwanted attention from former Celebs.

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No. 1 : Chris De Burgh

Picture the scene: You are alone in the house on a cold, dark night. You start to get the feeling you are being watched. A chill passes through your very soul. Suddenly you hear a tap-tap-tapping on the window....a face appears! Aaaaaaaaarrrgh! It's scary! It's hairy! It's hairy-scary! You instinctively reach for your silver-bullet loaded gun.....

Stop!! Look again. That's not a werewolf. That's a Chris De Burgh at your window 'looking for a little romance' (given half a chance!). Your silver bullets will have no effect on him. What do you do?

Never fear, for Auntie Cabbage has given you this handy Guide for just such an occasion. You're welcome.

The only guaranteed 100% effective way to fend off Chris De Burghs is to play a Rammstein CD at full volume. It's a little known fact that Chris De Burghs are scared of  Rammstein - it makes them pee their pants. They will then be so embarrased by their urine-soaked trouserwear that they will run off back into the woods, howling mournfully.

Victory! Chris De Burgh won't be bothering you again .

No need to thank me - I'm just doing my job. Diligently working to provide the public with the information needed to repel the likes of Chris De Burgh. Remember: forewarned is forearmed.


Next week - No.2 : Meatloaf!


P.S.  No Chris De Burghs were harmed in the writing of this Guide.


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